Who got voted off American Idol 2011 Season 10

Hey, y’all! If you’ve been to this blog before, you probably know me, but let me introduce myself to all those newbs out there.  I’m Jebbica, and I will be your commentator for this evening.  Tonight we’re in Atlanta, close to where I live and home to Ryan Seacrest. Surely the city who gave us Seacrest has to be teeming with talent, right?  I guess we shall see! Hang onto your hats pardners, because it’s bound to be a wild ride! Or, at least a wildly entertaining one.

So, I’ve been singing this song all day: “I am your brother, your best friend forever”….Renaldo Lapuz?  Man, I loved that guy! Wonder whatever happened to him? Apart from Norman Gentle, there is no one who I can recall from memory who really made these tedious auditions so fun!  Well, we have yet to have a Renaldo this season, but I am really gunning for one. Please come back, Renaldo. I thought we were best friends forever.

FIRST 60 SECONDS WE LEARN THAT: Ryan Seacrest was once a fat kid with glasses.  Oh Ryan, how I love you more everyday.  Yes, I realize this is an unpopular opinion and I am probably alone on this, but Ryan. If you could reach, I would totally shake your hand.

Our first contestant, Dewone Robinson, has an uncle who discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips.  So, I don’t care if he sucks or not. WINNER. Have you HEARD “Midnight Train to Georgia”?  Of course he does suck, in the best way possible.  High notes, low notes, this guy is all over the place. “It’s OH-VER, it’s OH-VER, it’s OH-VER”…and so is his audition.  NEXT.

Keia Johnson is a cutie with a bright smile.  She won “Miss Congeniality”, a prize for which Simon berated.  She’s singing “The Titanic Song”, as she called it.  Mary J. Blige, tonight’s guest judge, really liked her.  It didn’t hurt Keia could pass for Mary J.’s daughter with her blond hair, but she was a pretty decent singer.  She is our first ticket out of Hotlanta and into Hollywood.  A few more girls get quick yeses, and then we’re moving on back to the guys.

Jermaine Sellers  is a church singer who takes care of his sick mother.  Sob story! He picks “One of Us” by Joan Osborne, which is a different choice than most, so I might can forgive the sick mom bit.  After all, he is instantly likable, and he did a great job. Golden ticket to the brother in emo clothes.

Christie Marie is a TV Show Host in Atlanta for a show called 411 The Show (insert weird arm swoosh).  She is singing “Love is a Battlefield”, and I am hoping for Atlanta’s sake that she is a better host than she is a singer.  The judges laughed her out of the audition room, but surely she was faking it for her show?

The last girl of the day is a girl from Small-Town Tennessee, Vanessa Wolf.  She has an ac-CENT.  Kind of sounds like most of the people I know, but maybe even more exaggerated.  We get a back story about how small-town she is, and I kind of hoping she doesn’t suck.  She sounds like a Dolly Parton/Loretta Lynn type, and Simon likes her.  So, she’s out of the trailer park!

Vanessa’s possible soul mate, an Alabama hick named Jesse Hamilton, is next. He’s got some wicked Alabama teeth and he done ’bout died a bunch of times.  Let’s make fun of him, says Fox. I bet he sucks.  He done wanna try a Garth Brooks song.  Meanwhile, Mary J. can’t hold it in.  She’s all, look at this country bumpkin! Poor guy. Of course he’s terrible.  But I like him.  Mean old Mary J.  She can afford to have her teeth fixed!  A country mouse he will stay.

Inching even closer to home, Holly Harden is from Rockmart (we totally played them and got beat in high school football! I’d know, I was in the band! Oh yeah, I’m cool like that.). She’s dressed as  “Human Guitar”. Sure, they scoff at her outfit, but she is a good singer!  She sang Loretta Lynne.  You know, I am liking Mary J. less and less.  She is mean!  And not in a good way like Simon.

Mallorie Haley is another country crooner.  She’s okay, nothing really stood out about her, but she’s good to go.

Skii Bo Ski, aka FOX 61 Wheeler (that’s what was up on my screen as I was trying to read his name, anyway. Was it Antonio?) is an interesting character…he has AMERICAN IDOL etched into his hair.  He’s like the Dollah Sto’.  He’s everything you could want, for only a dollah.  His singing wasn’t bad.   Everyone but Simon liked him. Meh. Simon’s too snobby to shop at the dollah sto!

Next it’s time for the skanky best friends portion of the season. These chicks look like four-year-old redneck pageant queens.  Of course, one of them makes it and the other one doesn’t.  Hey, you know that rule about how if you want to be prettier, you get yourself an uglier, fatter friend to hang out with to make yourself look better? Perhaps that’s the technique to apply when auditioning for Idol. Even if you’re an average singer, if you get yourself someone more tonedeaf than you are, you will look like Carrie Underwood! And they just love splitting up friends, so yeah. That’s the secret to making it on Idol, right there. The DUFF Rule.  Free of charge.  You’re welcome.

Bryan Walker is a cop from Sevierville, TN.  He wasn’t much to look at, invoking our first instance of Susan Boyle-itis on this season.  He looks like a redneck white guy but sounds like a soulful black guy, and everyone loves him.  And I have to like him, or he might contact my parole officer.

Time for a break….ooh, Cottonelle is having a poll for which way we position our toilet paper? I’m so there! By the way: the only way is over.  Why roll under, unless you just like doing things the hard way? C’mon.

Our last contestant is a guy named General Larry Platt.  He has a song called “Pants on the Ground”.  And I am thanking the good people at FOX.  Here I was, wanting a 2010 Renaldo Lapuz, and he instantly appears!  An old guy doing splits.  At 62 years old.  And he’s lookin’ like a foo’ with his pants on the ground! General Larry Platt, I LOVE YOU.

Next week we are in Chicago…see  you then!

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